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Whether it's in love or trying to get through the life & whatever it throws it at you, I think everybody can relate to the post below:


I am losing ________ in/of ________. With this shift in perception I am growing more & more impatient This impatience is the root of the obsessive over-analysis of my daily routine. It also harvests the energy invested in hours upon end of projecting & idealizing. I want so much. I want so, so much. I spend all my minutes perfecting all the details. I am quite aware of the damaging effects of desire, but my Gemini refuses to let go of fantasy. Or is it hope?

The main problem is that I know what I want. I've had the fortune of getting brief & sporadic doeses of my ideals. But they've all fallen short in some way of another, leaving only room for my standards to grow. Now these standards have escalated to epic proportions & run the risk of never being met due to their unrealistic lining. I believe focusing on a goal can only lead to success.

It's been challenging not to lose focus. Fortunately, I feel I am at the point of no return (like the Expose' song). There is no way I can stop meeting my expectations of myself. I am addicted to the rush of outdoing myself. I have buried myself so deep in the hope of creating an impact that there is no way I am going to stop trying to figure out what it is that I need to say or do.

I want to scream but I bottle it all up. & then I pretend I would never scream.

My twins are becoming friends. I've waited for these days my entire life, when the outside my starts relating to the inside me. Unfortunately, they are still fighting like young siblings. There is a constant battle between the romantic & the cynic, the optimiss & the pessimist. Depending on the chemical balance of the day, this battle can be disguised as balance. usually it is just a battle.

The battle leaves me wanting stability: the days when all my desires are met (dreaming big), the days when I feel identified, & loved, & able to love. This desperate "want" then appears insincere, its recognition being the catalyst of an endless inner-interrogation & dragging out of anything & everything damaging. It all pours out at once. It exposes the masochist & drenches my existence with the cliches of the suffering artist. The battle turning into genocide....

But, as unpleasant as that may sound (or as dramatic as it may seem), the flip side is bliss. The fragility of its existence overpowers any sense of doubt. Its recognition presents the possibility of enlightened living, & I think that is all I want.


- By Federico Nessi of Spunk magazine, issue no.6

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So, what's up?

Since my last post, Jonah & I went to see Asobi Seksu. The weather in NY has been rainy & gloomy. I hung out with Will. That guy always knows how to make me laugh til I cry or until my cheeks hurt. I also clogged the toilet at a pizza restaurant (ohchyea). We also can't stop eating cupcakes & pizza. Nando was sweet enough to come out & see me before his road trip to Virginia. We stuffed our faces with pancakes from IHOP. The cheesecake pancakes is, by far, the most delicious, most sweetest, most fattening pancakes my taste buds have ever encountered. I'm hooked! I met up with Juan, too, but was unable to go to his art-showing in Greenpoint because Jonah & I fell asleep due to eating too much Japanese food. New York was alive this weekend-- at least more then usual, due to the CMJ festival. I spent some quality time with Jonah over the weekend & got to meet up with some of his friends at a low-key performance show.. where I felt like a hippie, but was fun, nevertheless. Continued conversation over Turkish food until 2AM & we now refer to bad drinks as "(origin of country here) sweat." We made pancakes the next morning & went to PS1 & the MET & taught him a thing-or-two about East Asian art & Renaissance art, which he has probably forgot about by now. Vietnamese pho is wonderful to have on rainy days. Work has been killing me & at times like these I wonder how my life would be if I had decided to become a lawyer, rather then work in the creative/fashion-field. We have the spring line for the handbags ready, which I'm happy about because my hard work will pay off. Also, there's a sale going on, so please do check out Mar Y Sol if you want to start Christmas shopping a little bit early this year. I just finished my list & will start Christmas shopping within 2-3 weeks, if not, sooner. I hate shopping & would prefer to do everything online.. now all I have to do is wait for my paycheck.

I had a nervous breakdown a few days ago & called a psychic. 'WTF'-- I know.

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Again, thank you to everybody who has been concerned of my state within the last few entries. I've felt a lot better since then & am happy that you've found somebody new. Everybody deserves to be happy. I wouldn't even wish heartbreak or loneliness on my worst enemy.. maybe pregnancy, but not heartbreak or loneliness. Anyway, I hope she makes you happy, because you deserve it.

Me, on the other hand, I'm taking it day-by-day with Jonah. Who knows where it will go, but my psychic & my heart say to give it a go. He's the reason why I look forward to the weeknights & that "every 2-3 day phone call." You're special to me & I hope you know you make me smile & fill my stomach with butterflies & my heart with happiness. With you, I'm able to be myself. Thank you for not judging me for my mistakes & what I've done in my past. You're grand <3.